So why do I hate myself THIS time? Roalee asked me last night if I had asked for a raise yet, since I've been at my job for six months. I hadn't, because I get nervous. She didn't understand that; I deserve to be making more money than I am. So why don't I ask for it? Simply put, I'm a fucking pushover, that's why. I can't do anything for myself, no matter how much I want to. As individualistic as I wanna be, I have to rely on others way too much to get anything accomplished. And I hate myself for that. I feel like a hypocrite.

That, and taking into consideration that the last and only time I have ever asked for a review from someone I was told I didn't want one and what I shitty job I'd been doing the whole time I worked there. My confidence in my own work abilities is shot. Even if I think I'm doing a great job (which I THOUGHT I was doing at the theater too, by the way) I'm so scared that they'll tell me my performance isn't worthwhile. That I'M not worthwhile.

Kind of a dumb fear, huh?

So I guess I'll just wait around for someone to notice me. Or not. -.- I'll be the pushed-around lackey for the rest of my life. Maybe that's my purpose. And for now, I've had enough thinking. Ja.