It's beem two weeks since my last day at the theater, I realized today. It feels like FOREVER. I'm horrendously lonely right now; my only consolation is Sydney, who doesn't seem to want to be with me right now. Roalee's off at her parent's place and Moises is sleeping, so I feel like the only one in the house. I hate being alone. And yet I push people away to the point that I'm always alone. Another of my many contradictions.

It depresses me to think that there are people who can be so completely honest about their true feelings and put them out for all the world to see. Reading other people's diaries has shown me that. I can't be that way...I'll say something, then people will ask questions about it. I scared the hell out of my sister with one of my recent entries, honestly. So what does that show me? That I should just keep all my damned issues to myself. But dealing with it that way is really taking its toll on me physically. I have to crack my bones every 10 minutes or so or I get incredibly stiff. I'm so tense that all my muscles hurt by the end of each day. My stomach is constantly nautious. Today I even ended up crawling under my throw pillows. Being under there makes me feel safe, like someone's holding me. I really really feel like I need some sort of physical contact, but I hate anyone touching me. And yet, it's obvious that I need it. It's another one of my stupid contradictions.

I'm weirded out by a dream I had last night. It turned out to actually HAPPEN, in so many words, just a bit later. That's never happened before. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep. But the sun is coming up and my eyes are drooping...

I think I'm gonna go lie in bed and see what happens. Ja bye-bye.