My mind is this big jumble of thoughts right now. A little while ago I discovered that 3 people my father knows have died in the last 2 weeks. He's been really upset, but for some reason seems to be a little more preoccupied with the fact that 2 of the three are his age. I guess a lot of people have that reaction when someone their age dies. It makes them question their own mortality, I realized. Though the thought doesn't bother me for some reason...

My dad is upset, but for some reason I'm not. I listened to him each time he told me someone died, and each time..well.. I felt nothing. No reaction whatsoever. I try my best to SOUND sympathetic, but in reality it doesn't phase me at all. It sounds cold that I don't feel sad for the loss of a life, doesn't it? I don't even get upset when someone I know passes away. A few years ago a woman I had known my entire life, who used to watch me when my parents were away, died of cancer. I didn't cry. I felt nothing. In fact, I ended up crying because I felt bad that I didn't feel bad. Is that self-centered or what?

Other than short convos with my sis and dad, I spent the entire day alone. The problem with that is, when I'm alone I start thinking about the fact that I'm alone. And all the problems I have. And the fact that I pretty much hate myself. -.-; I thought about the fact that I'm still upset with Ra-chan, even though I shouldn't be. I'm never upset at her this long. But I can't seem to get over it. Then I thought about the fact that if I DON'T get over it I'll lose her as my friend and I don't think I could tolerate that because she's really the only person I trust and...well...I'm pretty messed up right now. I even started crying when she called me. I need to calm down and go to sleep or something.

Or find food. Eating once a day is probably necessary.

Probably.

Ja ne.